Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize