My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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