just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
