I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
