So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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