Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
