I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
