Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You ruined the universe
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
