Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
