Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
