Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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