He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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