The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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