Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
smell my finger.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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