I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
