I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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