Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
