my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
