I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
