Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
