Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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