meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
