I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
This is classic penis vs brain.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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