Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
