New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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