i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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