I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
