Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
