so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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