They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
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