i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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