I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
