you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
