direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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