epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
