Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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