Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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