Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
