anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
