I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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