Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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