OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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