my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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