she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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