I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
