I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
