I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
