Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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