im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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