Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
