I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I licked your asshole in confidence.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize