They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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