Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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