His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
