the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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