After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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