Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
