Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
