...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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